It's been a little over 9 weeks since Elam's birth. My physical healing is going very slowly. I may have to go back to the doctor next week if my symptoms haven't significantly improved. Soon after Elam's birth, I got three different infections, which could be what has caused my healing to be so slow.
Emotionally, I think I'm having more good days than bad. I'm having a hard time being around all the pregnant women and new moms-- there's so many of them in our church right now! I want to be happy for people and not upset or envious, but I'm having a hard time. But I do feel like God has been speaking into that in the last day or so, and for that I am so grateful. I'm reading a few books on miscarriage/stillbirth/infant death, and they have been helpful. One in particular, called, Losing You Too Soon by Bernadette Keaggy, has been really helpful in seeing how a Christian woman has grown and dealt with life after losing 5 babies. Journaling has also been very helpful for me. I actually wish I had started journaling right after Elam was born, instead of waiting a few weeks.
I know I mentioned this once before on our blog, but it's been a long time so I just want to remind everyone that we are fine to talk about Elam and everything that's been going on. I know people often don't feel like they know what to say or are afraid to bring it up, thinking it will suddenly bring up sad memories. But it won't suddenly bring up sad memories-- I'm probably already thinking about it anyway! And I actually like to talk about it! It's helpful for me. There's no pressure either way-- no one needs to feel like they have to talk about Elam with us, but also no one needs to feel like they need to avoid the subject either.
Thanks for your continued prayers and support!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Control
The last five and a half weeks have been difficult and very emotional. Very up and down. But God has taught me so much as we've been grieving our little one. Actually, He's been teaching me so much throughout my entire pregnancy. One thing He's taught me since the beginning of my pregnancy is how good it is for Him to be in control (rather than me) and how I can trust Him with that control. And that's been reiterated since we learned that we would lose our little one. Here's an entry from my pregnancy journal that I wrote at the end of my first trimester (which was before we learned of Elam's lethal diagnosis):
God has taught me so much throughout my pregnancy already! I've always been a control-freak, but with pregnancy I've realized that I'm not able to be in control. It sounds weird, but when I first found out I was pregnant, I became very worried about the baby because I hadn't been in control of its conception and development so far (like somehow if I had been paying better attention, I could have been choosing a good healthy sperm to fertilize the egg). Somehow, I thought that without my conscious involvement to this point, things just couldn't be going well. So God started teaching me (or rather, I started listening) that He has directed everything and He really doesn't need much involvement from me in this process. I had to realize that He's in control and I'm totally not. I've learned a lot about trusting him and not feeling like I always need to be in control of things. He's good and He's got it covered. This has really kept me from worry. Thank goodness that He's in control of this pregnancy and not me. I would have messed things up if I was the one in charge!
In relation to all this, I've learned about how precious life is and how much God loves each person He creates. He's paying a lot of attention to every little detail of the baby's development. He's in control and He's very purposeful. He obviously loves this little baby dearly. He's obviously got great plans for it, or else why would He bother? All this just makes me love the baby even more, knowing how precious it is. I can't wait to meet it! This has helped me begin to see all people in a different light. Each person has God's attention; each was carefully formed by Him.
After reading that journal entry, especially the first paragraph, it may seem like God really let me down. It may sound like He really wasn't trustworthy after all. It could be easy to think that way. But I know He didn't let me down. He still was in control the whole time. He was still paying enormous amounts of attention to Elam's development. I was so aware throughout my pregnancy that God was there inside my womb with Elam, putting him together just the way He planned. He didn't make a mistake. He didn't forget him... or me... or Ben. He allowed little Elam to have this problem. And it was for a reason... a really good one. I don't know what that reason is, but I trust that God would not allow this to happen without a really good reason. God is still good and He is still trustworthy.
I used to be such an anxious person. I had panic attacks over anything and everything, big or small. So I just wanted to be in control as much as possible. God has taken so much of that anxiety away from me... so much, that I was grateful to not be in control; I was grateful that I didn't have to make the choice about when Elam's life would end. Throughout my pregnancy, even after we learned of Elam's diagnosis, I had so much peace that I cannot explain. I had my moments here and there, but overall, I had peace. It was still incredibly difficult. It still hurt. But I just knew that Elam was God's little one. Elam was God's to give, and he was God's to take. I didn't want to lose my baby boy. But he was never really mine to keep. I wrote in my journal that God must have great plans for my baby. And He did. They weren't anything like the plans I thought God would have... But they were still great.
God has taught me so much throughout my pregnancy already! I've always been a control-freak, but with pregnancy I've realized that I'm not able to be in control. It sounds weird, but when I first found out I was pregnant, I became very worried about the baby because I hadn't been in control of its conception and development so far (like somehow if I had been paying better attention, I could have been choosing a good healthy sperm to fertilize the egg). Somehow, I thought that without my conscious involvement to this point, things just couldn't be going well. So God started teaching me (or rather, I started listening) that He has directed everything and He really doesn't need much involvement from me in this process. I had to realize that He's in control and I'm totally not. I've learned a lot about trusting him and not feeling like I always need to be in control of things. He's good and He's got it covered. This has really kept me from worry. Thank goodness that He's in control of this pregnancy and not me. I would have messed things up if I was the one in charge!
In relation to all this, I've learned about how precious life is and how much God loves each person He creates. He's paying a lot of attention to every little detail of the baby's development. He's in control and He's very purposeful. He obviously loves this little baby dearly. He's obviously got great plans for it, or else why would He bother? All this just makes me love the baby even more, knowing how precious it is. I can't wait to meet it! This has helped me begin to see all people in a different light. Each person has God's attention; each was carefully formed by Him.
After reading that journal entry, especially the first paragraph, it may seem like God really let me down. It may sound like He really wasn't trustworthy after all. It could be easy to think that way. But I know He didn't let me down. He still was in control the whole time. He was still paying enormous amounts of attention to Elam's development. I was so aware throughout my pregnancy that God was there inside my womb with Elam, putting him together just the way He planned. He didn't make a mistake. He didn't forget him... or me... or Ben. He allowed little Elam to have this problem. And it was for a reason... a really good one. I don't know what that reason is, but I trust that God would not allow this to happen without a really good reason. God is still good and He is still trustworthy.
I used to be such an anxious person. I had panic attacks over anything and everything, big or small. So I just wanted to be in control as much as possible. God has taken so much of that anxiety away from me... so much, that I was grateful to not be in control; I was grateful that I didn't have to make the choice about when Elam's life would end. Throughout my pregnancy, even after we learned of Elam's diagnosis, I had so much peace that I cannot explain. I had my moments here and there, but overall, I had peace. It was still incredibly difficult. It still hurt. But I just knew that Elam was God's little one. Elam was God's to give, and he was God's to take. I didn't want to lose my baby boy. But he was never really mine to keep. I wrote in my journal that God must have great plans for my baby. And He did. They weren't anything like the plans I thought God would have... But they were still great.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thank You
We just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all your love and support these last several months. We are so grateful for all your prayers, encouraging words, calls, emails, meals, help around the house, and so much more! I cannot imagine having to go through something like this without the love and care of God through His church. Your love has blessed us so much!
This is not our last post to this blog. We will continue to post updates and share some of the things that God has been teaching us through this. We just wanted to make sure you all know how much you have blessed us and are continuing to bless us as we grieve our little one.
This is not our last post to this blog. We will continue to post updates and share some of the things that God has been teaching us through this. We just wanted to make sure you all know how much you have blessed us and are continuing to bless us as we grieve our little one.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Elam's Burial and Memorial Service
Our little Elam was buried today. I have been having second thoughts about using the cremation and burial service that Baptist Hospital provides. I just wanted something more personal that we could be more involved in to honor our little one. So we decided to make arrangements with a funeral home to have him buried, rather than use the service Baptist provides.
We went to the funeral home on Saturday to discuss the arrangements and Ben and I were able to dress him for his burial. The actual burial was this morning. We arrived early to spend a little more time holding and kissing our little one and so I could place Elam in his casket. Although it was so hard to dress my little baby boy for his burial and place him in his casket, I'm very glad that we chose to do it.
There will be a memorial service to honor our son this Thursday, March 19, at 6:30 pm at our church. Everyone is welcome.
Lighthouse Church
5100 Blue Hole Road
Antioch, TN 37013
We went to the funeral home on Saturday to discuss the arrangements and Ben and I were able to dress him for his burial. The actual burial was this morning. We arrived early to spend a little more time holding and kissing our little one and so I could place Elam in his casket. Although it was so hard to dress my little baby boy for his burial and place him in his casket, I'm very glad that we chose to do it.
There will be a memorial service to honor our son this Thursday, March 19, at 6:30 pm at our church. Everyone is welcome.
Lighthouse Church
5100 Blue Hole Road
Antioch, TN 37013
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Birth of Our Son
As many of you have probably heard by now, a lot has been happening the last couple days. On Sunday morning, Hailey was having some pain and trouble sleeping. We also had trouble locating Elam's heartbeat - we could hear it, but not really well. We realized she was having regular contractions about five minutes apart, and called her doctor. We were directed to head to the hospital to get checked out.
At the hospital, Hailey got connected to a fetal heart rate monitor, as well as a contraction monitor. They put her on IV fluids to attempt to stop the contractions in case she was simply dehydrated. As it was the weekend, Hailey's regular doctor was not available, so we met with the doctor on call for that weekend. She told us that Elam would likely be born in the next 24 hours, and presented us with our options for delivery.
Elam was still frank breech. She told us that with his size and breech presentation, he would likely get his head stuck in the cervix during a vaginal delivery. This would be fairly traumatic, and his chances for surviving it were very low. We could also choose to have a C-section. Because of Elam's small size, again, the C-section would be a classical (vertical) incision. This would mean that all future pregnancies would have to be delivered by C-section. Also, the small size of the uterus made severe uterine bleeding a serious risk as well. In addition, there were still no guarantees that Elam would survive a C-section.
We made the very hard decision to have a vaginal delivery. While it was a very difficult decision, we knew that it was the best decision for our family. We were moved into a regular labor, delivery, and recovery room. Hailey got an epidural and tried to get some rest. This was probably around 3-4pm. For the next 12 hours, we were surrounded by family and friends as Hailey's labor progressed.
At around 2am on Tuesday, March 2nd, Hailey quickly progressed from 6cm to 9cm, and Elam arrived at 2:21am. He was only 1lb, 14oz and 13 1/4 inches long. As expected, his head got caught in the cervix, and he passed away during delivery. Not only was it my first time to witness a birth, but a very difficult and emotional one that I'll never forget. Hailey needed an episiotomy in order for Elam to come out, so I stayed with her while they stitched her up. They brought Elam back a couple minutes later, and I got to hold him, rock him and talk to him for the first time while they continued with Hailey's stitches. When Hailey was stitched up, I handed Elam to her, and the doctors left us to spend some time with our new little one.
We were so surprised at how normal he looked! Despite his defects, he looked every bit like a normal baby, although tiny. We spent some time looking at him, talking to him, and crying together before we let our family and friends in to see him.
The next day in the hospital was difficult. We were totally exhausted, and Hailey was learning her routine for managing her pain and healing. We had so many visitors and friends come by to express their sympathy and to be with us, we knew very well that we were loved. As Hailey's pain was well managed, they offered to let us go home. We decided to see Elam one last time before we left. We held him, kissed him, and said goodbye for the last time.
The hospital has an arrangement with a local funeral home where Elam will be buried. We are glad to have some place that we can visit and know that he is there. We have not yet decided about having a memorial service or not. We've experienced a tremendous emotional roller coaster the last few months, and especially the last few days. It has been difficult, yet joyful at the same time. We were so excited to finally meet our son, yet so sad that he had to go. Knowing where he is now is a tremendous source of peace for us. In the presence of Jesus, where there is no pain, no tears, and no sadness - what better place for such a beautiful, precious child! We know that the Lord has truly answered our prayers. He kept him safe for so long, and allowed us to see and hold our son.
We know that the next months will be difficult as well, but we know the Lord is still good. We still trust Him and know He has a plan for us and for Elam so much larger than what we can see or know. We are determined to never forget our son, to never stop honoring his memory. Thank you all so much for following us on this journey. Thank you so much for your prayers, your letters and your gifts! Without your love, support and friendship, the road we are on would be so much more difficult. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.
Mommy and Elam
At the hospital, Hailey got connected to a fetal heart rate monitor, as well as a contraction monitor. They put her on IV fluids to attempt to stop the contractions in case she was simply dehydrated. As it was the weekend, Hailey's regular doctor was not available, so we met with the doctor on call for that weekend. She told us that Elam would likely be born in the next 24 hours, and presented us with our options for delivery.
Elam was still frank breech. She told us that with his size and breech presentation, he would likely get his head stuck in the cervix during a vaginal delivery. This would be fairly traumatic, and his chances for surviving it were very low. We could also choose to have a C-section. Because of Elam's small size, again, the C-section would be a classical (vertical) incision. This would mean that all future pregnancies would have to be delivered by C-section. Also, the small size of the uterus made severe uterine bleeding a serious risk as well. In addition, there were still no guarantees that Elam would survive a C-section.
We made the very hard decision to have a vaginal delivery. While it was a very difficult decision, we knew that it was the best decision for our family. We were moved into a regular labor, delivery, and recovery room. Hailey got an epidural and tried to get some rest. This was probably around 3-4pm. For the next 12 hours, we were surrounded by family and friends as Hailey's labor progressed.
At around 2am on Tuesday, March 2nd, Hailey quickly progressed from 6cm to 9cm, and Elam arrived at 2:21am. He was only 1lb, 14oz and 13 1/4 inches long. As expected, his head got caught in the cervix, and he passed away during delivery. Not only was it my first time to witness a birth, but a very difficult and emotional one that I'll never forget. Hailey needed an episiotomy in order for Elam to come out, so I stayed with her while they stitched her up. They brought Elam back a couple minutes later, and I got to hold him, rock him and talk to him for the first time while they continued with Hailey's stitches. When Hailey was stitched up, I handed Elam to her, and the doctors left us to spend some time with our new little one.
We were so surprised at how normal he looked! Despite his defects, he looked every bit like a normal baby, although tiny. We spent some time looking at him, talking to him, and crying together before we let our family and friends in to see him.
The next day in the hospital was difficult. We were totally exhausted, and Hailey was learning her routine for managing her pain and healing. We had so many visitors and friends come by to express their sympathy and to be with us, we knew very well that we were loved. As Hailey's pain was well managed, they offered to let us go home. We decided to see Elam one last time before we left. We held him, kissed him, and said goodbye for the last time.
The hospital has an arrangement with a local funeral home where Elam will be buried. We are glad to have some place that we can visit and know that he is there. We have not yet decided about having a memorial service or not. We've experienced a tremendous emotional roller coaster the last few months, and especially the last few days. It has been difficult, yet joyful at the same time. We were so excited to finally meet our son, yet so sad that he had to go. Knowing where he is now is a tremendous source of peace for us. In the presence of Jesus, where there is no pain, no tears, and no sadness - what better place for such a beautiful, precious child! We know that the Lord has truly answered our prayers. He kept him safe for so long, and allowed us to see and hold our son.
We know that the next months will be difficult as well, but we know the Lord is still good. We still trust Him and know He has a plan for us and for Elam so much larger than what we can see or know. We are determined to never forget our son, to never stop honoring his memory. Thank you all so much for following us on this journey. Thank you so much for your prayers, your letters and your gifts! Without your love, support and friendship, the road we are on would be so much more difficult. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers.
Mommy and Elam
Daddy and Elam
Sunday, March 1, 2009
In Labor
I am currently in labor! I woke up this morning around 5 or 6 am with contractions. I ignored them for a while, thinking it was just pain caused from something I ate. But they persisted and intensified so we decided to go to the hospital.
Elam is still frank breech. His heartbeat is still ok, but it's dropping temporarily during my contractions, which is not good.
A c-section would be very risky for me. My uterus is so small that they are concerned that it could bleed too much, which would cause them to have to remove it. So we've decided to do a vaginal birth. This poses risks to Elam, so please pray!!!
I am currently dilated 2 cm, almost 3, an I'm 80-90% effaced. My contractions are frequent and intense. I'm going to be getting an epidural pretty soon. Please pray for Elam! We are hoping to be able to spend some time with him.
Elam is still frank breech. His heartbeat is still ok, but it's dropping temporarily during my contractions, which is not good.
A c-section would be very risky for me. My uterus is so small that they are concerned that it could bleed too much, which would cause them to have to remove it. So we've decided to do a vaginal birth. This poses risks to Elam, so please pray!!!
I am currently dilated 2 cm, almost 3, an I'm 80-90% effaced. My contractions are frequent and intense. I'm going to be getting an epidural pretty soon. Please pray for Elam! We are hoping to be able to spend some time with him.
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