Control

The last five and a half weeks have been difficult and very emotional. Very up and down. But God has taught me so much as we've been grieving our little one. Actually, He's been teaching me so much throughout my entire pregnancy. One thing He's taught me since the beginning of my pregnancy is how good it is for Him to be in control (rather than me) and how I can trust Him with that control. And that's been reiterated since we learned that we would lose our little one. Here's an entry from my pregnancy journal that I wrote at the end of my first trimester (which was before we learned of Elam's lethal diagnosis):

God has taught me so much throughout my pregnancy already! I've always been a control-freak, but with pregnancy I've realized that I'm not able to be in control. It sounds weird, but when I first found out I was pregnant, I became very worried about the baby because I hadn't been in control of its conception and development so far (like somehow if I had been paying better attention, I could have been choosing a good healthy sperm to fertilize the egg). Somehow, I thought that without my conscious involvement to this point, things just couldn't be going well. So God started teaching me (or rather, I started listening) that He has directed everything and He really doesn't need much involvement from me in this process. I had to realize that He's in control and I'm totally not. I've learned a lot about trusting him and not feeling like I always need to be in control of things. He's good and He's got it covered. This has really kept me from worry. Thank goodness that He's in control of this pregnancy and not me. I would have messed things up if I was the one in charge!

In relation to all this, I've learned about how precious life is and how much God loves each person He creates. He's paying a lot of attention to every little detail of the baby's development. He's in control and He's very purposeful. He obviously loves this little baby dearly. He's obviously got great plans for it, or else why would He bother? All this just makes me love the baby even more, knowing how precious it is. I can't wait to meet it! This has helped me begin to see all people in a different light. Each person has God's attention; each was carefully formed by Him.

After reading that journal entry, especially the first paragraph, it may seem like God really let me down. It may sound like He really wasn't trustworthy after all. It could be easy to think that way. But I know He didn't let me down. He still was in control the whole time. He was still paying enormous amounts of attention to Elam's development. I was so aware throughout my pregnancy that God was there inside my womb with Elam, putting him together just the way He planned. He didn't make a mistake. He didn't forget him... or me... or Ben. He allowed little Elam to have this problem. And it was for a reason... a really good one. I don't know what that reason is, but I trust that God would not allow this to happen without a really good reason. God is still good and He is still trustworthy.

I used to be such an anxious person. I had panic attacks over anything and everything, big or small. So I just wanted to be in control as much as possible. God has taken so much of that anxiety away from me... so much, that I was grateful to not be in control; I was grateful that I didn't have to make the choice about when Elam's life would end. Throughout my pregnancy, even after we learned of Elam's diagnosis, I had so much peace that I cannot explain. I had my moments here and there, but overall, I had peace. It was still incredibly difficult. It still hurt. But I just knew that Elam was God's little one. Elam was God's to give, and he was God's to take. I didn't want to lose my baby boy. But he was never really mine to keep. I wrote in my journal that God must have great plans for my baby. And He did. They weren't anything like the plans I thought God would have... But they were still great.