Slow Recovery

I talked to my doctor about a week ago about my very slow physical recovery. She consulted the other doctors in the practice and they think that I likely have an allergy to the sutures they used for my episiotomy. They believe that that is what is causing my recovery to be so slow. At this point, she said, I should be totally back to normal, but because of the allergy I'm not back to normal. She said that she can give me a steroid injection at my episiotomy, which should help speed my healing. I have decided to get the shot. My appointment is in three weeks. (They have to order the steroids because they don't normally have them.) I'm really hoping that the steroids will help me finish healing soon. It is nice to know what is probably causing my slow healing. And it's good to know that I'm allergic to those sutures in case I ever need sutures again!

Ben and I are continuing to heal emotionally. I feel like I'm really enjoying life right now. I still have my moments, but overall it's been good. I mentioned in my last post that I have been having a hard time being around or talking to pregnant women or new moms. At the advice of a friend, I have been praying regularly about it and when I'm around those women, I am making it my practice to just pray for them and their babies. It seems so simple, but I've found that very helpful over time. It's not like I felt better right away, but over time it's been helping me to "rejoice with those who rejoice" even as I mourn over my little one. There have been a few times lately where I've realized that being around them hardly phased me at all. I hardly thought about it, and I actually found myself being happy for them. God has really been answering my prayers and gradually healing our hearts! I've still got a way to go, but it's so nice to see God working me through this process.

Update

It's been a little over 9 weeks since Elam's birth. My physical healing is going very slowly. I may have to go back to the doctor next week if my symptoms haven't significantly improved. Soon after Elam's birth, I got three different infections, which could be what has caused my healing to be so slow.

Emotionally, I think I'm having more good days than bad. I'm having a hard time being around all the pregnant women and new moms-- there's so many of them in our church right now! I want to be happy for people and not upset or envious, but I'm having a hard time. But I do feel like God has been speaking into that in the last day or so, and for that I am so grateful. I'm reading a few books on miscarriage/stillbirth/infant death, and they have been helpful. One in particular, called, Losing You Too Soon by Bernadette Keaggy, has been really helpful in seeing how a Christian woman has grown and dealt with life after losing 5 babies. Journaling has also been very helpful for me. I actually wish I had started journaling right after Elam was born, instead of waiting a few weeks.

I know I mentioned this once before on our blog, but it's been a long time so I just want to remind everyone that we are fine to talk about Elam and everything that's been going on. I know people often don't feel like they know what to say or are afraid to bring it up, thinking it will suddenly bring up sad memories. But it won't suddenly bring up sad memories-- I'm probably already thinking about it anyway! And I actually like to talk about it! It's helpful for me. There's no pressure either way-- no one needs to feel like they have to talk about Elam with us, but also no one needs to feel like they need to avoid the subject either.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!